Thank God: Liberal Bias to Be Removed from Bible

If I spent the next week typing “LOL”, and taking only two 15-minute breaks a day and sleeping only three hours a night, I still would not be able to properly express my reaction to this amazing news.

bible & flagProfessors and feminists have emasculated and dumbed-down the Holy Bible, and inserted their socialist agenda, you see. To be precise, “The committee in charge of updating the bestselling version, the NIV, is dominated by professors and higher-educated participants who can be expected to be liberal and feminist in outlook.”

Vomit-worthy, if you ask me. Who wants anyone with higher education, or who holds the opinion that women are people, to be translating ancient Greek and Hebrew texts? Disgusting. Next thing you’ll tell me is that there was a ghey in the translating room.

In response, the Conservative Bible Project has begun to translate the Bible in accordance with conservative principles.

Does it matter to these Bible-rewriters that the Bible was originally written before socialism, feminism, conservatism or liberalism were invented? No it does not. Not one wit. Because emasculating socialist feminist professors can time travel. Satan taught them how.

I mean, are you not troubled to learn that:

Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the “social justice” movement among Christians.

For example, the conservative word “volunteer” is mentioned only once in the ESV, yet the socialistic word “comrade” is used three times, “laborer(s)” is used 13 times, “labored” 15 times, and “fellow” (as in “fellow worker”) is used 55 times.

Or that liberals have somehow inserted forgiveness into the Bible in such a way that it sounds desirable:

The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

Or that liberals totally made up John 7:53-8:11, where Jesus tells the angry crowd about to stone an adulteress, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone”:

Amid this scholarship, why is the emphasis on this passage increasing? The answer lies in its liberal message: do not criticize or punish immoral conduct unless you are perfect yourself. Liberals cite this passage to oppose the death penalty, a misuse that has been criticized.

Actually, this part of the Conservative Bible Project gets a bit scary, as the article goes on to say:

The Mosaic laws clearly state death as a punishment for sin. So the argument that an individual must be perfect is not relevant. The God-ordained government has the responsibility for punishment.

My quibbles with the godly rewriters of the Bible on this point:
A) Um, doesn’t “Mosaic” law say something like “Thou shalt not kill”? Or maybe I’m getting the Bible mixed up with something I read in the liberal media, like a NYT article.

B) Are we talking about a theocracy that kills people for sinning against the Conservative Bible?

C) Where do I sign up for that!?

The Conservative Bible will also remove the liberal bias that squelched Jesus’ true message of free-market capitalism, which is explained in Conservative Translation Guideline #7: “Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.”

And, just a little FYI, while you were off reading the Communist Manifesto or killing babies, a new language has developed, the “conservative language,” and the Bible must be translated into it posthaste.

Additional less important guidelines include… recognizing that Christianity introduced powerful new concepts that even the Greek and Hebrew were inadequate to express, but modern conservative language can express well.

Is this an example of Poe’s Law? I.e. that it is vanishingly impossible to distinguish real fundamentalism from parody.

HAVE YOU HUGGED A CHRISTO-FASCIST TODAY?
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7 thoughts on “Thank God: Liberal Bias to Be Removed from Bible

  1. Conservapedia, a Biblical literalist creationist website, is doing the following two things simultaneously:

    (1) Believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God
    (2) Believe that the Bible needs correcting.

    The cognitive dissonance: it’s dangerous.

  2. It makes my head hurt.

    BUT they are just removing the bias that liberals put in. Those liberals over there at the New International Version! Gosh darn them!

  3. You have to admit that this is the funniest thing to come out the conservative side since Sarah Palin’s resignation speech.

  4. Rod Dreher, at Beliefnet.org, a true conservative on religion and politics said this, ,”…the insane hubris of this really staggers the mind. These right-wing ideologues know better than the early church councils that canonized Scripture? They really think it’s wise to force the word of God to conform to a 21st-century American idea of what constitutes conservatism? These jokers don’t worship God. They worship ideology.”

    Re-writing the nearly 400 year old Bible to suit today’s version of conservatism is ludicrous, at best.

    Michael Kontras
    RantsandObservations.com

  5. To be fair to the makers of this bible, if they didn’t make it clear that the TARDIS-stealing feminists were wrong, women might think the bible applied to them. I mean, I didn’t realize the bible’s rules applied to me until my mom bought me a translation with “gender-neutral” language (of course, by gender-neutral I mean that Paul said things like “Sure, women can wear trousers and cut their hair and enjoy consensual sex – don’t worry about marriage! God will still love and respect their decisions, and affirm their faith.” (wait, no, that was the fantasy bible I made up after I actually read the real one. If the bible said shit like that, I’d likely still believe in god.))

    And the communistic propaganda of Jesus’ parables is one of the things that kept me Christian as long as I was. The Christians I have the most affection and respect, and the ones I can trust to not hurt me as much as the others, are the ones who affirm the communist narrative of the bible.

    In other words, everything I thought the bible had going for it is to be taken out of this translation.

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